I remember when I first walked into the police station and told them I was being molested, I had to repeat myself before anyone seemed to understand. It was a giant relief to tell someone who could and would help me, but this is not where it all ends. I spend hours at the police station. I think I walked in around 7 or 8, it was right before my I was supposed to be home. I had to tell police officers what had happened to me all the while being alone. NO one was allowed to wait with me, no one there to hold me hand. This cheese stood alone. Eventually that night a social worker and group home was found that could house me for the night. Around 2 am I was picked up and brought to one of my states rougher cities. I felt like a prisoner. First the police questioning, the waiting in a room alone, then brought somewhere, where they stripped me of any belongings and possessions I may have had on me. I was to shower and hand over my clothes to them to be washed. I of course had no clothing besides what I walked in with so I had to borrow clothing, then was brought to a bed, a bed that was not my own in a place I didnt know. I am not sure I felt more alone.
In the morning, I was 'the new girl' everyone wanted to know my story! Why I was there? What I did wrong? You see the place I was brought to , wasnt a juvenille detention center at all, but most of the kids were troubled and had issues of thier own. In this new place, I had a new set of responsibilities but had to watch what toes I may have stepped on or it could lead to fights. Had to be careful who I looked at and for how long, what I said and what I did. It was a tough situation. At some point, one of the workers in the group home brough some clothes to me so I could change my clothes, I then had to learn how to wash my own clothes, had chores and responsibilities to do. Nothing I was familiar with. I also needed to be registered for school. Again being the neighborhood I was in, the school was just questionable. Took, over a week to get me into a school. In order to get to this school I had to take the city bus and transfer buses as well. Something I never did before. I was also enrolled in a program at "The Rape Crisis Center" again I was showed where it was and told I needed to take a bus there. I remember getting lost and the only person I could call was my mother to get me, not something I wanted to do.
Meanwhile, "paul" was taken away and brought to jail. I had to testify in front of a Grand Jury, where they asked me questions about what had happend to me. I remember being at the court house, he had family there, my mother was there, his exwife was there, his siblings were there, ALL for him. I had NO ONE! His exwife did come up to me and say she was there for me. But still I felt alone, I was quarentined or so it felt in a room by myself, told to wait till it was my turn. He walked, got a suspended sentence and 10 years probation. What a deal, I got 5 years with a suspended life time sentence he got a 10 year suspended sentence. Where is the justice!!
During my group home stay, my mother tried contacting me. The thing she talked about most, was the suffering her husband had to deal with in jail!
About 2 weeks after being in the group home, my friends family (the one I confided in) got clearance to foster me so I could live with them. They lived right down the street from my mother so I had to see her almost daily, even though the courts said we shouldnt. This placement didnt last very long, apparently they couldnt handle me and a few monthes after moving there, back to a group home I went. Luckily this time a different one. I was brought to one of the nicer cities . It was summer this time so no school. Again, my mother would contact me and discuss her marital problems, the trouble her husband had but she got him an appartment, she was in court ordered counceling herself but didnt understand why. She would drive up to the group home and leave cigarettes in the bushes for me. I was able to 'visit' friends ya know the ones that gave up one and couldnt 'handle' me.
In August of 1995 my mother completed her counceling and I was placed back with her. She had since moved and had gotten an appartment for just her and I. At first things were fine, but that was short lived, she started spending weekends over at his house, would sleep over from saturday night. I remember I had a job at the time and I couldnt work saturdays because she couldnt bring me home and it was too far to walk at night..... Then came holidays, guess where we went? To his house with his kids. Yes thats right. When I was 17 she decided she wanted to buy a house in that original questionable city where my first group home was. I refused to go, so her and my father helped me get an appartment.
Within monthes of her moving there, he moved in with her. Still during all this time she complained to me about marrital problems she was having. NO matter how often I said I didnt want to hear it, she continued to tell me about him. He was there any holiday she invited us to, she brought him and 'bobby' to my house to move things.
During all my foster care time, I didnt get to see anyone, no family came to visit me, no one went looking for me, no one wanted to take care of me. You would think I was the one that did something wrong! Lucky for me I had long since learned this was not my fault, and I did nothing wrong.
Finally 11 years after I first walked into that police station, she divorced him. Time and time again she told me she choose me, and stood by me no matter what. ROFL, thats a good one, how could she have stood by me when she was visiting him in jail, having sleep overs at his house, letting him move in with her. She didnt, she failed to protect me and stand my me.
For a while I still gave her chances, I let her be a part of my life, my husbands life and the lives of our children. Time and again she showed me her choices, like when she insisted on inviting her husband and his brother to my wedding. Just recently, within the year. I came to my senses, the only thing she ever did was hurt me my entire life. Use and abuse me, whether she realized it or not she was an unfit parent. In November of 2010 I ridded her of my life, told her I didnt want her to be apart of it. She hurt me time and time again and I wasnt going to let her hurt my children. They deserved better, they deserved people who were going to put them first. Her life choices have always been questionable, the married boyfriends, the marriages she broke up! I want me children to have good examples to follow, and she wasnt it.
Some days are struggles, some days are easy. But everyday I am there for my kids, I protect them, have their best interests at heart and do right by them. I cant do anything more than that. My husband questions my ridding her of my life because it was a sudden thing, but then again he doesnt know my story. One day I will share with him, but right now I am afraid of how he will look at me. Things are going wonderfuly, my children are thriving and each day I heal. I am sure there will come a time when they will question why my mother isnt part of thier lives, I will not lie to them. They need to understand a parents job is to protect them, watch over them, stand by them and be there for them. No one comes before them and they , those little beings are supposed to be whats most important, and by ridding her of my life I think I proved that!!
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