Healing can be a long and painful road. Some, most may never completely heal from thier endevors. No matter where you are in your story you will always hold things in the back of your head. The choice is yours on how you let it affect you if you let it affect you. Only you can make steps towards how you want to live your life and if you want to let 'the harmer' hurt you for years to come.
I have been a victim time and time again, been hurt by many of people, as my story unfolds I will be able to heal more and more. I have become who I am not because of the people and things that have hurt me but inspite of them. I decided I wasnt going to let anyone get the best of me. I was hurt for far too long and fought tooth and nail to be strong. NO MORE!!
I may have been vicitimized , I may have suffered but that has ended! I am a surviver, I fought, I struggled, I cried, I remembered but I overcame!
Some days are harder than others, some days its like nothing ever happened. But for me, I make the choice on how it affects me.
If I allowed it I could be an emotional mess, I could have drug, alcohol and many problems. I could have addictions. I could not be me, I could be a victim!
From my experiences I have learned so much. I am in no way thankful for the things that have happened to me, but if it were not for the things that I have had to deal with I would not be where I am today. I would not have the wonderful husband and children that I have.
The Begining
I was born April 1, 1981. Everything appeared normal, till as days turned to weeks turned to monthes, I still nothing more than eat 2 oz of formula and sleep for hours on end. Yes most newborns will do this, but I was apparently not growing out of this, I was brought to the Doctors, it was discovered that I was born with a hole in my heart called a VSD most commonly found in males. My parents were told, that in my plum size heart I had a hole the size of a nickle. Doctors wanted to wait till I was a year old to perform corrective surgery. Things didnt go as planned, at 3 monthes old I underwent open heart surgery to correct the hole in my heart. I was given a 50/50 chance of survival from the surgery.
Surgery was a success and I was given no limitations.
I survived!
My parents later divorced when I was 3, there are so many stories as to why I am not sure I could keep them straight, could have been any number of these stories I was told
1. mom slept around
2. dad couldnt keep a job down
3. mom occassionally had to much to drink
4. dad was an alcoholic
5. dad was a drug dealer
6. this one is my opinion but neither was fit to be a parent..
Anywho, due to 'dads' lack of a job 'mom' got custody of me. I dont remember much of seeing my dad growing up. What I do remember is growing up as an only child, in day care. Now dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with daycare for those that need it, but its nice when parents can raise thier children.
When I was 3, mom was at a bar with me. *Yes you read that right I was at a bar with my mother at 3!!! Good times, lol. Anyway she decided she wanted to go for a ride around the block on a friends motorcycle so she left me behind with some friends to go for this ride. Well, a car side swiped the bike while they were on it, the driver went through bank windows and my mother the passenger flew up in the air , I am told over telephone wires. Driver was paralyzed from the waist down, and passenger broke her elbow and knee.
I went to live with my grandmother for a little while so my mother could recooperate. I dont rememeber this but its probably the best thing that could have happened to me, but like always all good things must come to an end. Eventually she was well enough to care for me. According to her I was such a big help because at 3 I carried groceries up 3 flights of stairs to help her out!!!
We moved around from city to city alot after that, I remember spending everyweekend with my grandparents , I do know I LOVED this. It is one of my few childhood memories. Aside from that I dont remember much, there are various pics of me sitting on santas lap in bars, yes bars!! Men were in and out, lots of 'boyfriends.'
When I was 7, I remember a friend, I think it was a friend with benefits she had. Anywho she liked to go out with him and leave his 14 year old son to watch me. With that came abuse number 1. From him I learned how to kiss, no not a peck on the cheek either, he would 'french kiss' me. I was made to sit on his lap and 'rock' around. I must have blocked alot out but I remember pants being unbuttoned , touching , but nothing went beyond that. I never told anyone about this experience, this is actually the first time I have gotten this out there or said anything.
After that I think mom got too clingy and her 'friend' got to his sense and they hung out less so Tony couldnt get to me anymore.
More boyfriends came after that, I remember sleeping over at boyfriends house, she still frequented the bars. I am not sure if I was in tow or not. She was in abusive relationships as well. There was one I think I was bout 8 ish. He would yell at her, hit her .Made her turn phones off then flip her under a mattress all while I was there to watch this. He beat her. The final straw for them was at 6 one am, we were going to meet him in a parking lot. He somehow ended up in our car with her in a headlock punching her in the head. I am not sure how but I managed to get out of the car and attempt to make a run for it towards the stores. Nothing was open at that hour. Eventually he got the $60 he had come for. Thats all I remember about that one. But was the last 'boyfriend' till she got married.
She met a man at her job and ended up marrying him when I was 9. Little did anyone know he would physically abuse her and sexually abuse me.
I am going to end for today because I have gotten out ALOT so far. There is much more to my story and in time I will get it out. But right now, my babies need me :)
No comments:
Post a Comment