A Mothers Love..

I have heard people say that a mothers love is like no other. I think I got short changed! I was 'loved' like I was just another. The only chance anyone would have gotten to get some 'love' from this woman was if they were a man and they could give her something. If you didnt have male genetalia you were out of luck unless you could give her something else. I know that is repetative, but she was a selfish woman, who I believe only had children, ok me for the sake of saying she had kids. She had absolutely no buisness becoming a parent. There were men in and out , now dont get me wrong this wasnt a nightly thing with a different guy every night (I dont think) but there were a few. The 'friends' she wanted to be more than friends, the sleepovers at men houses when all they lived in was a 1 room appartment, the ones that lived with thier mother still and sleeping at thier house, the abusive ones, the married men, all leading up to the pedophile, the best choice of all. I tell ya, when it came to loosers and low lifes she had a knack for picking them. Could spot them a mile away, and in turn they were led to her. Like a magnet!!

When I was 9 she married for a second time. Things appeared 'normal' at first. He had a house, 2 kids,had a brother living with him and a dog. The house was a mess and infested with fleas. It was in rough shape, but apparently she looked deep within and found the good!!
I cant remember the first time it started at 9, but I do remember other people being home. At first it was rare that we were home alone. The odd thing is, he didnt come seeking me out in my bedroom at night, it was in the livingroom during the day. I remember trying to hide w/ my 'uncle' his brother in his room, till he decided that he wanted some fun too. On both parts there was touching, showing, feeling.....
I remember, 'Bobby' taking me to the movies, and him touching me in the car, had me put my head in his lap and touching me as he drove. The other kids wondered why they couldnt do to the movies with Uncle Bobby too, but I guess it was my special trip. Bobby eventually got a girlfriend and moved out. Pauls daughter eventually got sick of living there that she moved in with her mom. He started to beat her, they tried to have a baby, she ended up gettting pregnant, but one day while I was upstairs in my room which was right across from thiers, they got into an arguement and he slapped her so hard he knocked her off her feet. Another time he punched her in the face so her tooth went through her lip, he took a sledge hammer to his wedding ring in front of her. There was lots of fighting and hitting.
"Mom' and Paul (step daddy) ended up spending beyond thier means, between house renovations, a boat, ect that the house was sold and we rented an house. Was 'mom' , 'paul, his son and I. His son was spending more and more time at his moms house. Money was tight so 'mom' got a second night job. Leaving him and I alone at night, a few nights a week. He would make me put red lipstick on and kiss him, thought it was great fun. I was around 10 at this time. He tried to do more and more. Tried to rape me, tried forcing me to perform oral sex on him. I remember 2 instances, 1 that happened many of times where he sat on my chest w/ his knees on my shoulders trying to jam himself in my mouth, I finally told him if he came near me again with that thing I would bite him. I am pretty sure that is the last time he attempted to get oral. Another instance was when he had tried bringing me to 'thier' bed and tried to have sex with me. I was I believe 10 at the time, I got slapped because he couldnt. I ended up with a welt that later bruised on my leg. This particular instance happend within feet of the 'gun' closet. There were always weapons around, hand guns, shot guns, bow and arrows. Kept under lock and key, but there! We lived in that house for a while and ended up having to move again.
Next house, it still continued. There was now penetration on his part. Never penile but w/ his hands and orally from him. Most of this, while my mom was right down stairs. I was a preteen/ teen at this time trying to hide out in my room or maybe watch tv in my moms room, but I was alwasy followed. As I entered into my teen years, I got curious myself. I was 13 boys were much older and 'interested' as much as older boys can be interested in younger girls. I had friends with older brothers. All of a sudden I realized I had a 'power' I possessed that they were interested in. I never had sex with any of them, but I did more than most 13 year old girls should have been doing. But I was able to say yes or no and decide what I would or couldnt do. I was smart enough to not do anything I might regret. During this time I was getting close to a friend and confessed the things "Paul" was doing to me. I would spend as much time as possible with friends and out of the house. I had written in a journal, that Paul was molesting me, my mother found it, confronted me and did NOTHING. Well nothing but hold it over my head. She blamed me for marital problems and one day told me " I was the reason her husband didnt love her anymore' At 13 or 14 I was to blame from my own mother.
On February school vacation when I was 14, my friend and I told her mom about what had been going on. I spent the entire week at thier house. I knew I needed to come forward , I knew I needed to get the abuse to stop but I was afraid. Sunday of that February vacation, I walked into the Scituate police station and told them that my step father had been molesting me from the age of 9-14.



I can only imagine that those that have never been through something like this, are wondering why I couldnt scream or say no! I did, but its not like that. I am not sure how to explain.