Power

A big part of being a victim or not is about POWER. Who has it, who uses it and how they use it. For a long time I gave up my power, not by choice! Then for a brief time the lack of power became a normal, so anyone could take it and use it as they please. Not sure the exact day, or what may have flipped the switch, it could have been slowly over time but I regained power and I took a stance. At first I hid with my power afraid to use it, as time progressed I grew more confident with having power being sure to never abuse it. Power is a mighty strong thing to have over anyone. Each person is affected differently by it, some accept it and move forward. Some abuse it and take from others , I beleive because someone took thier power.
I think for myself, that my 'power' was taken a long time ago, if I ever did have it. Then allowing things to happen to me, against me or even for me became what I was used to. I may not have been told to do something or not to do something but 'knowing what was expected' was how I lived. For those that have never 'lost' that power you may not understand this. Its a very difficult concept to explain I beleive. I can imagine some are thinking, How do you give up that power? Do you mean you 'let' things happen? The questions must be endless, and there is no yes or no answer. No I never asked for it, no I never wanted it but still it happened. Judgements are easily passed.
My 'loss' of power does not mean I am weak. Nothing about being a victim is about being weak. I actually beleive being a victim takes a very strong person. There is so much that is dealt with. The situations, the circumstances, the fears, the feelings, the emotions, the recovery, the power. The list could go on and on. Now that I think about it, I am not sure its so much a loss of power, its more of a stronger power.
Day to day I struggle with who has the power, for the sake of my children I hope it is I who have the power. Most days it is, but some days a stronger power sneaks over me. Like I said its a day to day fight. I know I do succeed on most days on maintaining my power, if I didnt have my POWER then I could have ended up in a bad place. I am not sure many people could have survived the things I have. Everyone has thier struggles day to day, yet I would never wish my life even on my worst enemy. From that I have learned, I have grown, and I have moved forward. I have the POWER!!
From my parents I have learned how to NOT parent, I have learned that children need protecting and loveing, now matter how much I may want to do things, my children come first. Thier safety, happiness and sanity is what one of my main concerns are. I dont think that was the case when I was growing up. Age has nothing to do with it because actually my parents were older than my husband and I when I was born, and I turned out just fine, I may have a few kinks but who doesnt??

I do still have more of a story to tell, and I am sure as I tell it memories will come flooding back as well as feelings. For this I am some what hesitant, but I am also hesitant for fear of judgement. I dont want to be labeled a victim. I may have been victimized but I am no longer a victim! I have moved beyond that. Dont feel sorry for me but suport me ;)