Sometimes....

My entire life I had to be strong, I had to fight. I pretended things were ok when they werent. I smiled when inside I felt like dying. I hugged others when all I wanted was to be hugged. I did what was asked of me when all I wanted to do was run and hide. I did what was expected of me when all I wanted to do was disappear. Sometimes I want to be weak, I want to take down my protective barriers and break down all the walls and just be raw, be free, show my hurt, show my fears! Give in to what was deep inside. Sometimes I dont want to fight the fight anymore. Sometimes I want to curl into a fetal position and have someone hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I wanna do what I want to do instead of what someone needs me to do or what someone asks me to do. Lately I have been haveing a rough time. I am not sure if it has anything to do with my kids bdays or my own birthday. Tomorrow happens to be my birthday and I am less than excited about it. I want to just skip the day all together. I dont want to celebrate or do anything. The other day my oldest who just turned 6 was asking me about my birthday. She asked me who was gonna make me a cake, and I told her I probably wouldnt have one because I surely wasnt going to make my own birthday cake. She then told me that I couldnt have a birthday without a cake. She is sweet as pie, yet I wish it were true. I cant remember for the life of me ever having a special birthday! No big birthday parties, no surprise parties nothing. My 16th birthday I got snowed out of school, thats the only reason I remember it. My 21st birthday I got sick and was home in bed by 10, my hubby (fiance at the time tried) he took me out but I wasnt even carded. Now tomorrow my 30th, I am sure will be nothing different than say today! Dont get me wrong I dont think I want a party, but I guess I just want someone to think of me, to do for me what I would do for them. I want the chance to feel special! I sound like an ungreatful person. Lately I have also been thinking of the fact that my sweet babies, really have no grand parents, no grandmother. They have a wonderful grandfather, but he is often busy, and a great Papa. But aside from that ...... Makes me sad I guess, that the people who in a perfect world I should be able to call mom and dad are big ole POS's. Unworthy of my childrens love and attention. I could look on the bright side and say it could be worse, but right now this is what is worse for me.